How Coaching Works at The Intimacy Co-op
Most people land on this page because they're considering booking and want to know what they'd actually be walking into. Fair. Here's the whole thing — format, cost, what happens in a session, and what I won't do.
The discovery call
Thirty minutes, free, video or phone. You tell me what's happening. I ask questions. At the end I'll tell you whether I think I can help, and if I don't think so, I'll say that instead of selling you a package. That call is not a sales call disguised as a consultation — I'd rather lose the booking than take on work I'm the wrong person for.
What a session is
[SESSION LENGTH], in person in Durham or over video.
The first half of the work is talk, but it's not venting. I'm looking for the mechanism — the thing that's actually producing the stuckness, which is almost never the thing you came in describing. A man says the problem is that his wife doesn't want sex. Two sessions in, the problem is that he's been asking her to want it for him, because he can't locate his own wanting on his own. Those are different problems with different work attached.
The second half is practice. I give you specific things to do between sessions — breath work, attention exercises, conversations with a defined shape, physical practices alone or with your partner. This is where change actually happens. Clients who do the between-session work get somewhere. Clients who only show up and talk stay where they are, and I'll tell you that directly if it starts happening.
The four Es
Everything I do runs through four things:
Embodiment — being in your body rather than narrating it from above. Most of my clients are extremely capable people who live in their heads, and you cannot feel connection you can't physically feel.
Empathy — staying present while your partner says something that makes you want to explain yourself.
Eroticism — a relationship with your own desire that doesn't depend on someone else's response. When you have this, the pressure comes off your partner, and pressure is the single most common thing killing desire in the couples I see.
Exploration — trying things on purpose, once the ground is stable enough that a flop is just a flop.
There's a fifth thing I talk about a lot: pursuit. Long-term couples stop pursuing each other because pursuit feels unnecessary once you're committed. It isn't. It's most of what made the beginning feel the way it did.
What it costs
Discovery call: free.
Sessions: [PRICE] for [SESSION LENGTH].
Typical engagement: [TYPICAL ENGAGEMENT LENGTH].
[PACKAGE / SLIDING SCALE DETAIL IF ANY]
I put pricing on the page on purpose. You should be able to find out what something costs without booking a call to be told.
What I don't do
I don't touch clients. Nothing physical happens in a session — not demonstration, not observation. Practices happen at your home, privately.
I don't diagnose or treat. This is coaching. If what's in front of me is trauma, an eating issue, addiction, or anything else clinical, I'll say so and help you find the right person. Working with a therapist and working with me at the same time is common and works well.
I don't take sides in a couple. If one of you is hoping I'll rule in your favor, that's worth knowing before we start.
Who I work with
Primarily men in long-term relationships, and couples. In person in Durham, and online across the US — Raleigh, Chapel Hill, Cary, and the rest of the Triangle are an easy drive, and everyone else works over video.
Common questions
How long until something changes?
Most clients notice something in their own body within a few weeks — that part is fast, because it's yours. Changes between you and your partner take longer, because a second person has to trust that the change is real. Three to six months is a normal arc.
Do I need my partner's buy-in to start?
No.
Is this confidential?
Yes. I don't record sessions and I don't discuss clients. When I use client situations as examples — like on this site — details are changed and combined.
What if I'm not sure I'm the right fit?
That's what the discovery call is for, and it's free for exactly this reason.
Also see: Sex coaching for men · Couples intimacy coaching · Online coaching · About Tobias